Good morning everyone. A couple of months ago I was having lunch with a friend in the bar portion of a Dallas steakhouse, as a career barmaid explained the day’s specials, a report was breaking on TV about the death of actor David Carradine (star of Death Race 2000 to me, star of Kill Bill to idiots). What a death this was-apparently Grasshopper had hung himself with a rope around his neck and a shoelace (a shoelace? Goddamn) around his balls. At that point my friend turns to me and said “when did just fucking get old?”

That’s a great question, and in this list article I will attempt to assign a ratings system to the level of sexual chaos out there and hopefully help people that may have gone too far off the reservation.

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Auto Erotic/Self Bondage: I’ll start here because this is how Carradine died. Definitely abstract, so let me get this straight-you need to get off but instead of simply flicking the bean or tugging the rat you feel like it might be hot to stop breathing at some point during this process. Without anyone there to help you if something goes wrong. That’s more ridiculous than hiring an Irish guy named David to play a nip called Kwai Chang Caine. Call me old school, but I’m not risking death for an orgasm. I cannot recall ever blasting on my stomach or a chick’s tummy/face/tits that made me think ‘That was awesome, hell I wouldn’t mind being dead right now”. And I’ve had some good pussy, trust me.

This is not to mention how difficult it must be to simply get into these positions while alone. Tying my hands/neck up? Putting the key close to me but in ice so I have to wait for it to melt? A combination lock? Where is the part where I rub my dick? Look, here’s some sound advice if you need to get off and are alone: undock laptop, search pornhub.com, click a scene where a white man fucks a blonde woman (or 2), watch the scene, start touching yourself, blast. Hot and easy! They’re really fucking! At no point did you almost die or have to wait for hours! You’re welcome.

I can’t imagine how this even began as a fetish. Remember when Dusty Rhodes would put Ric Flair in a sleeperhold? Now that would be seen as some kind of elaborate foreplay or something that maybe Rhodes’ character was into. Eek.

Scale of 1-10 nooses around your parent’s necks, I’ll go with a rating of 8.5 for this one. If you can’t just crank one out without risking death then you have veered far from the reservation.

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Domination and Submission: Another item that is pretty goddamn over the top. Hey, I like to occasionally slap a dish on the ass or in the face (note: be very sure you have a fairly wild chick for the face, may end poorly), but that’s not at all what these folks are into. These folks go to “dungeons” and use safe words to hedge on the limits of degradation involved. If anyone out there reading actually does this shit, do me a personal favor and make your next safe word “Captain Caveman!” bonus points if you try to sound like the original cartoon hero while screaming.

Tons of subcultures in this group, none of which I understand at all. You’d rather pay a bitch to kick you in the balls than suck your dick? You’re weird. Role playing where a guy dresses up as a woman and brings a dominatrix cookies or other female chores? Good gravy. “Hey, you know what will be hot Jennifer? How about you make me iron your shirt!” How about you two fuck on the kitchen floor? That’s hot, you goddamn lunatic. How on earth are men out there more into a chick’s feet/shoes/boots more than they are the holy trinity of tits/pussy/ass? Come on! USA! USA! USA!

Erotic humiliation and slave play sure does sound enticing, especially while in a motherfucking dungeon. Hey bitch, I get treated like a slave and humiliated at work for about 60 hours a week, can we skip that part and just fuck. Adults walking around wearing a goddamn dog collar, or getting whipped, or some kind of shackles, how much can you hate yourself? At some point that guy changed from jeans/t-shirt and his Whole Foods Market apron into latex/lipstick/chains, hilarious. Go get on match.com or something, I bet you will be shocked how easy it is to find some pussy around your league. Those chicks are just looking for a few laughs, a few drinks, and then it’s the standard “you wanna get out of here?” playbook before going home and having some good old fashioned hard dick/wet pussy sex without utensils. Give it a try.

If you are even capable of being a submissive or a dominant in these type of extreme roles, you may have been molested. Even if true, no excuses, I have to give BDSM 10 heels grinding on testicles. I’m legitimately worried about you at this point.

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Extreme Genres of Pornography: Like most people, I like porn. Porn is arguably the only recession proof business. It can be a great late night high/drunk thing to do with your girl du jour, or a fun way to spend 10 minutes of a slow Saturday afternoon. Either way, watching attractive people fuck is alright.

This item is more concerned with some of the more obtuse angles in porn. I swear, you can’t even make a selection via a porn dvd store, on demand from TV, or pornhub.com (pornhub you fucking owe me for these endorsements) without seeing some really strange shit. Goddamn men of America, I’m trying to fire one out before this date and I finally found a smoking scene, I don’t need a fucking ad of “Old man takes her virginity!” or some shit. That’s like putting a used band aid next to my steak.

Who’s into that? Who prefers “girl with braces blows jig” over Teagan Presley and Lee Stone squaring off? I didn’t like a chick with braces while I was in goddamn middle school, how the hell is hot to think of now? That said, I can see braces before I can see cranking it to a cartoon. A cartoon? An asian chick in a miniskirt? SHE IS A DRAWING! That’s pretty goddamn eclectic, man.

On a fairly recent visit to the store (was in the neighborhood) I did see where that one spare dish on Gossip Girl has a sex tape out where she finishes the guy off with a foot job. I like the effort, but a foot job? Cutie, I know it sucks being in that stunning blonde’s shadow all the time, but this may not have been the best way to steal the spotlight. Incidentally, next time use your mouth or hand, I bet he likes it more. Another awful genre-“big naturals”. Oh, awesome. Ever wonder what those fat chicks at your office with huge cans look like naked and getting railed? Here you go. Yuck.

I’m a tolerant guy, and I like porn, so I will only give this 5.5 pigtails flopping on a cock. These people aren’t too far gone yet.

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Swingers: I love non-monogamous sexual activity, don’t get me wrong. I also feel that Glen’s pitch in Raising Arizona should not have been met with such anger and resistance by H.I. Nevertheless, swinging is a pretty goddamn strange thing to jump into and stay with for a long period of time (hi Phil and Amy Mickelson).

First off, I’m not talking about some bullshit “same room” type of gay shit that might play at UNC-Charlotte. The type of swinging in this article centers on both a committed couple/married (anyone can swing if you’re not really attached, hell that’s dating), and involving A to Z on the menu of sex while in front of your partner. I can’t imagine anything with an outcome other than “Hey, I’m going to go bang your hot wife in the other room, you and my wife sit here and watch TV while waiting”, I’m just not going to be able to delete the mental file of “those lips blew our neighbor”. Again, call me old school.

I’ve been involved in several double dates where we all ended up bombed at someone’s house and the girls played tit bully or whatever, that’s just good American fun. Go to any bar and listen to girls talk about each other before they’re even drunk if you’re skeptical. However, and keep in mind I’ve fucked some real sluts, I’ve never had a girl pitch “how about I fuck him and you fuck her?’ at the post tit bully and pre pass out stage.

I can understand how insane monogamy is, no question. What’s wrong with a simple “how about we both fuck other people” pitch instead of joining some crazy group of people that are mostly fat and ugly? You’re way better off watching a wild group sex scene with your dish on the couch involving several Vivid Video regulars than taking this chance.

Watch the key party scene in The Ice Storm: fun, wild, booze, drugs, well to do people, chaos. Fun right? Nope. Not only are you rolling the dice on who your wife ends up banging (it will probably be someone you hate), but you are also throwing your dick on the crap table. “Excellent, I got Marcy the size 18.” Pay the dc, Vertigo’s cock.

Swingers out there, I’m rooting for you, and if by some chance you are all hot feel free to film the session and mail to Adam Hats. Until then, I’m giving this 3 fingers of unknown origin. You’re not weird, you’re just bored.

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Anal Sex: I know, I know, sometimes the kink factor is off the charts with ass play. Sure they’re fun to spank and look at in jeans, I know. This doesn’t concern those who like that harmless shit, I’m talking about people who clearly prefer banging a trollop in the ass over the pussy or like having weird shit put in their ass.

Toque (RIP)’s anal bead story is well documented and hysterical, but it’s a great intro to this item. What the hell was ever going to be hot about this even before Toque yanked on those beads? I don’t get it. Sure, I’ll put my finger in your mouth after its been in your pussy-I’m not Mother Teresa-but I’m not putting it in your ass. Matter of fact, I’m not putting my dick/finger/tongue in your ass, gorgeous…and please don’t put any of yours (or any other item for that matter) in mine. Thanks.

I hear pitches about this type of stuff all the time “it’s so intimate” etc. Fuck you. Intimate is a corner table at Nick and Sam’s while smiling at me over candlelight, not those same lips tasting my appetizer 3 hours later.

I’m dying to hear a rebuttal that’s worth a shit (pun) about how you would rather put your dick in an ass than a pussy. Are you crazy? Nothing feels better than pussy, nothing. You’re trying too hard. Just bang her in the front slit and no excrement/sanitary issues will be involved.

If she puts her finger in your ass unannounced, its good news/bad news. Good news: she’s wild as hell and you’re not hearing the word no all night. Bad news: she might have a strap-on in the nightstand and try to use it unannounced as well. Just segue out of the finger and try to finish before a quick bullshit “I’ve got to get up early” exit.

I know this issue is pretty divisive, so I will only give this 2.5 colon lollipops on the scale. Final note, never go ass to mouth regardless of how wild you are.

That’s 5 strong items to judge where you are in the sexual phases. I think these encapsulate or at least touch on some of the more strange items* out there. If you feel I missed something critical, definitely pitch me on the comment board.

*I’m not fucking including strippers/prostitutes/vibrators because all of those are relatively tame. What situation can’t be made instantly a bit better by adding strippers? Nothing, so you’re not unique/strange at all. Prostitutes? Some people are really ugly/gross and need to get off via an actual pussy/dick. I don’t have a problem with that. Vibrators? Hey, feel free to warm the dish up for me, I always hated that part anyway.

(15 votes, average: 4.73 out of 5)
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